30.1.09

How do I write this blog? I must though as I would otherwise be letting Theo down...

Today our beautiful son passed away after 3 weeks of a battle he was never going to win. In true 'Theo the Brave' style, he didn't give up but rather Gary and I made the decision for him by taking him off the ventilator. We didn't think we could ever be so brave, and god knows where we got the strength from, but we ended our son's pain by letting him finally sleep in peace.
Where do we start? The surgeons examined Theo's exomphalos yesterday about 12 o'clock and they found that the intestines and some of the liver had started to die. They suspect it might even have started in the womb due to the opening being too small for the contents. Again, this confirms to us that our baby knew he had to make his appearance early to give him a chance of life. Unfortunately, it was perhaps too late or maybe he was too small to deal with all he had against him. The surgeons and doctors confirmed that there was nothing medically they could do for Theo anymore and he would not survive. Infection would take over and it was just a matter of time. It could be hours or days...
We slept overnight in the same room as him and we got to have our first cuddles. Just so wrong that the first cuddles were going to be so short lived. Words can't describe how magical it was to hold my baby after 3 long weeks. My mum and dad, Gary's sister and Gary's mum visited at night and all sat with Theo giving him cuddles and talking to him. The minister from my church also drove out and Theo was baptised. We didn't really sleep but lay on a bed next to him watching him and rubbing his hands and feet. By morning his heart rate dropped considerably when they moved him out of his incubator and we knew then that he was getting weaker. Family visited again in the morning including my brother and his wife and Gary's aunt and uncle and everyone said their goodbyes. It goes without saying how difficult and painful this was for everyone and for Gary and I to see. We could clearly see that Theo was going to lose his continuing battle and that we must get the strength to make the decision for him before he suffered anymore.
At 4.15pm his little body eventually gave in and as his heart stopped, so did ours. As he left this world to go to another place, he took with him a large part of us and we know we will never be the same again. However, he left with us the most special memories and the 3 hours following were the most treasured hours as we got to hold him, cuddle and talk to him without any wires, tubes or machines. He was peaceful and he looked absolutely beautiful. This is how we will always remember our son.
What do I write next? Even feeling how we do, our hearts still go out to all those who have had to read this as you have all been with us on this journey. As always, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all your support and encouragement this far and it goes without saying that we need it now more than ever.
We are considering setting up a fund to raise money for the Sick Kids in memory of Theo so please check the blog regularly to see how you can help.
In his 3 short weeks of life, Theo touched so many people's hearts and I know he will not be forgotten. He was an incredibly special baby and will live in our hearts forever.